Satire: Unlocking the Strength of Bevi

Amherst College students, River and Pops, have a heated debate in Valentine Dining Hall about the new water dispenser, Bevi. 

River: WHY ARE THERE BEVIS ALL OVER CAMPUS? EVERYWHERE I LOOK, I SEE BEVI!  There’s no need for them. Regular water is superior — not carbonated crap. Natural water gives you shiny teeth, while acidic carbonated water harms tooth enamel.

Pops: Hey! Bevi also offers non-carbonated water so you can keep your pearly white teeth. I think Bevi drinks are really yummy — I love the cucumber and strawberry lemongrass infused water. It is sooo much better than nasty, flavorless water. 

River: Nothing is better than all-natural water. Bevi is a waste of the $93,090 a year that I pay for tuition. They should be using that money to fund more research opportunities on campus, provide greater vegetarian meal options, and offer more academic support. I can’t believe Valentine Dining Services would even —

Pops: But you can infuse electrolytes and vitamins in your water with Bevi, so it really is healthier! I am happy that Valentine Dining Hall invested in it. You might as well get your tuition’s worth of money and indulge in Bevi drinks. Try a blend of the coconut and mango flavors with a vitamin and electrolyte boost. I think you’d really like it. Plus vitamins and electrolytes will help balance pH levels, aid muscle function, and boost the immune system.

*Pops takes a giant swig from his glass of nutritious Bevi water while River watches in disgust.* 

River: Yuck. Adding electrolytes and vitamins to water is all fake marketing! Bevi water is NOT healthier. I’ll stick to drinking normal water, which probably has way more electrolytes and vitamins than the stupid Bevi water, thank you very much. Silly students like you are so gullible to Val’s schemes.

Pops: Gullible? I’m gonna smack you silly! I will fight you in defense of Bevis worldwide. I can’t let you get away with your insults. 

River: Bring it on!! But maybe we should take this to the terrace room so we don’t disturb anyone.

Pops: Perfect. 

*Pops and River walk out into the terrace area, ready to brawl. Pops puts on a Bevi-logoed cap for good luck while River puffs his chest out and smacks it with his fists to show dominance.* 

Pops: My Bevi will bear witness to me wiping the floor with your ass! I can feel my muscles getting stronger from the cucumber and strawberry lemongrass-infused water! And the electrolytes. And all the vitamins! And even the carbonated bubbles! You stand no chance.

River: It’s YOU who stands no chance. Let me show you the power of all-natural water. Wait — umm did your arms actually get bigger? Or is that just the bright yellow terrace room lighting accentuating your muscles?

Pops: I told you, Bevi gives me superhuman strength. 

*River starts backing away in fear*

Pops: You dare back away? After all the hatred you spewed about the Bevi, I won’t let you get away with it. Now take this!!

*Pops knocks River to the ground with an uppercut, his muscles rippling with the flow of Bevi electrolytes. River does not get back up. ACEMS rushes over to the scene and calls for an ambulance to transport River to the hospital.* 

*River wakes up in a hospital bed shortly after.* 

River: I can’t believe I lost that fight. Maybe Bevi does give people superhuman strength after all. Still, I would never subject myself to that poisonous beverage. At least at the hospital, I am safe from Bevi. Wait a minute, what’s in my IV?