Satire: Freshman Survival Guide

Hello, our beloved first-years! As recently graduated freshmen, we have some tips that we wish we had gotten coming in. From selecting your prospective major to knowing the best study spots on campus to finding where the best parties are, we’ve got it all. 

1. The best study spots at Amherst College are actually not on campus. Wait 25 minutes for the Pioneer Valley Transportation Authority to arrive late, finally arrive at the other Amherst (the University of Massachusetts, Amherst), and study at the beautiful, 28-story, historic W. E. B. Du Bois Library. Or study at the Jones Library for ample seating and stellar views. If you really want to stay on campus to study, try the seventh floor of Seeley Mudd for a cozy vibe. If you’re lucky, sometimes there are free Amherst Math hoodies collecting dust up there, begging to be taken.  
2. Now that the add/drop period is over, make sure you meet with your academic advisor once a week to talk about how your classes are going — all those courses you’re no longer interested in taking, but it’s too late to drop.
3. Never show up early or on time to events with boba, because the organizers always have a secret second batch that they put out halfway through the event. Now this may run contrary to the advice others have given you, but please trust us — there has been so much gatekeeping around this because people always want to have the second batch for themselves. Show up late and savor the freedom of choice!
4. Triple majoring at Amherst College is super popular. Students who have a triple major can get any job they want after graduation. Start meticulously planning out an Excel sheet now for every single class you will take at Amherst to triple major!!
5. Ever wandered around Val looking for an open table during dinner time with no success? That’s because you’re going at the wrong time! Try showing up at 6:30 p.m. sharp instead — the time when most students have dispersed and gone home for the night. Pick your favorite table and enjoy a moment of silence!
6. Do not consider being a math major. Math tests are notoriously difficult, and concepts are hard to grasp unless you took courses like “Groups, Rings, and Fields” and “Real Analysis” in high school. If not, good luck finishing all the requirements before your fifth year here.
7. Whether you’re a STEM major or not, take a class with Senior Lecturer in Chemistry Stephen Cartier. Ever imagined a class with no exams? His course, “Thermodynamics and Kinetics,” is known for only having “Celebrations of Learning” — and yes, there will be party hats and balloons. As aspiring chemists who have just taken the course, we cannot describe how much we’ve laughed and how many tears of joy we’ve shed during these celebrations.
8. Wear your lab coats and goggles outside of the lab because it helps STEM upperclassmen and professors identify you to offer you lab positions. 
9. Snack hack! Bring to-go boxes to Val to stock up on food, then go to Grab-n-Go right after. Don’t dilly dally, head right to Grab-n-Go so you can have even more variety! Don’t be shy, take a bunch of snacks from there. 
10. Always do super super thorough readings. Make sure to annotate the entire page, highlight until your highlighter is out of ink, and have reading notes prepared on a separate document.
11. Be sure to post at least 3 times a day on Fizz. Fizz is where the true colors of students shine, due to its anonymity. The more posts you make, the more friends on Fizz you will have! Remember that only your Fizz friends are your real friends. You should also try to climb up that Fizz leaderboard quickly so you can add it to your resume!
12. Tired of professors taking forever to email you back? Email professors over the weekend, they always answer super quickly because they have more free time on weekends. 
13. Assert your dominance in the dorm room by refusing to take out the trash. If you do it once, you will end up doing it for the rest of the year. So, screw the roommate agreement — let that pile sit, and eventually someone (not you!) will be forced to take it out.
14. Always pull up to parties at the Triangle. They beat any UMass frat party. 
15. Do not, and I mean never, ever sit in any of the Adirondack chairs on campus — those are reserved for the squirrels.  
16. Don’t join The Amherst Student.