Hearts of the Herd: First-Year Love Advice

Dear Daisy, I have never dated anyone before, but I want to get started in college. How do I start putting myself out there? — Curious Courter ’29

Hi Curious! That is a really great question and a super common scenario. As the cliche goes, college is a great place to explore yourself, relationships, and activities. To start off, there’s no rush to find someone immediately. If you feel a connection, that’s great, but for a first relationship, it’s important to take your time and think about your priorities. Are you looking for something long-term or maybe just something fun and flirty? Either way, it’s important to know why you’re interested in dating in order to achieve the best outcome.

In terms of putting yourself on the market, Daisy’s number one piece of advice is always to just be yourself, and your people will find you. That being said, there are some strategic ways that you can put yourself out there. Are you really into music and also value that in a partner? Maybe go to a few Coffee Haus shows or an a cappella performance. Are you an athlete who wants to date someone but also understands the busy schedule of practices? Go support your fellow Mammoths at their games and invite someone to work out with you (but avoid team-cest if possible). While it’s important to have similarities, don’t be afraid to step outside your comfort zone! Some of the best connections will come from the most unexpected places, so be friendly and approach all your opportunities with an open mind. In all, the moral of the story is to be thoughtful in how you pursue romance at Amherst (it is a small school after all), but don’t be afraid to put yourself out there!

Dear Daisy, I feel a lot of pressure to hook up with and date people, even though I just got to college. It seems like such an easy conversation topic: Everyone wants to know if you think someone is cute! How can I diffuse pressure from others and just focus on making friends right now? — Platonic Ponderer ’29

Hi Platonic! I totally understand where you’re coming from; it seems like everyone has a crush, and if they don’t, they’re looking for one. You can only do so much to influence others’ actions when it comes to fixating on romance, but you have a lot of control over how you approach these situations. There’s no need to shun others who are interested in dating people — different people have different priorities, but it is important to set clear boundaries. If you are continuously being teased or you feel like the people around you are forcing you to go out of your comfort zone in ways you’re not okay with, you should absolutely establish boundaries and find other people who support you. If the people you’re friends with can’t find much more to talk about than who they like, then maybe they’re not your people!

Dear Daisy, I see lots of people sitting and going to events together. It feels like everyone is making really great relationships quickly. I’m more introverted and feel left behind. Am I losing the most important chances to make friends and potential partners? — Worried Wooly ’29

Hey Wooly! This is a great question! And the answer is: not at all! In a completely new environment like college, it is easy to feel like everyone knows what to do and you’re falling behind. But every person is different and forms relationships differently. Some are quick to connect, while others need time to open up, and that is perfectly fine! You’ll find your people in the situations that work the best for you, whether it be classes, club meetings, or campus events. Trust me, it’s a small school, but there’s always an opportunity to meet someone new or get to know them in a new way.

I would say, for now, focus on your own adjustment to college. Enjoy having the freedom to discover and do what you want, and don’t worry too much about making strong relationships quickly. When you go to events and do activities you find interesting, you’ll find like-minded people who may become your best friends. Though definitely make an effort to be friendly and step outside of your comfort zone; ask a cool classmate to lunch, or to a study session! Even if the first ones you meet don’t become your closest friends, you’ll begin to feel more connected and comfortable on campus. Happy socializing!

Dear Daisy, I’m just getting out of a relationship from high school — we broke up at the end of summer. Should I focus on myself, or use this opportunity to meet new people? I don’t want to end up making someone a rebound. — Nervous Newbie ’29

Hi, Nervous! We’re sorry about the breakup, but happy that you made the right decision for yourself going into college. As with any breakup, it is important to recognize that you need to recover. A new place with lots of new people, activities, and classes can be a great distraction from any pain that might come with the breakup. It’s important to properly address and confront any feelings you have about the past relationship before moving on to something more serious. 

To start, thinking about the status of your breakup might tell you where to start with your transition into single life: Did you end on good terms? Are you still talking, or have you gone no contact? After reflecting on questions like these, I think you should focus on how you feel: What have I learned about myself and relationships in general? What are my relationship non-negotiables going forward? Who am I as a person outside of a relationship? When answering these questions, also reflect on how you feel about your individuality and whether you feel detached from your prior relationships. There’s no pressure for your first post-breakup romance to be the one; something casual with low expectations is also a great way to test the waters. After that, I encourage you to read the advice we gave to Curious Courter ’29 about spending time considering your dating priorities. Good luck!