Bathroom Bulletin: Valentine Dining Hall

Suppose you’re in Chapin Hall and have just left your three-hour-long afternoon discussion on textual obstacles for contemporary editors of Shakespeare’s “Othello.” Suppose that you suddenly feel the urgent need to defecate. This — you can tell because your stomach’s grumbles are saying so — is unfortunately one of those “emergency” cases where you’ll have to spend a prolonged period of time in the bathroom making strange fart noises and wrestling with whatever you couldn’t digest from the night before.

You need a safe space within walking distance — quiet, undisturbed, preferably a large single with soft tissue paper and a working soap dispenser — to accommodate your aforementioned urgent needs. But where should you go? (The right answer, at least within Chapin, is its gender-neutral singles bathroom in the basement, assuming someone hasn’t already beaten you to the chase — please avoid the upper floor bathrooms for dire situations like this.)

Continence-related situations like these aren’t uncommon at Amherst, to say the least. And yet the best bathrooms on campus are rarely ever discussed, which means you might end up in situations where you defecate in one of Frost Library’s first-floor bathrooms just because you didn’t know any better (the best choice here is either the second-floor gender-neutral singles bathroom or the James & Stearns basement’s bathrooms if you’re willing to walk a little).

This is where the “Bathroom Bulletin” comes in. Not all bathrooms are created equal, and it’s important to determine which ones are the best. We’re addressing a critical reporting gap in Amherst’s bathroom ecosystem by evaluating each building’s individual bathrooms based on five criteria: amenities, cleanliness, smell, traffic, and location. Each criterion will be ranked on a scale of 1 to 5, and then averaged to give each bathroom a numerical rating. 

Here’s a brief breakdown of our criteria:

“Amenities” describes both hygiene products as well as aspects of the bathroom’s design, such as faucet water pressure. 

“Cleanliness” describes how well-maintained the bathroom is in general; if a bathroom seems to be unusually cleaner or dirtier than it usually feels, we will take note of that during our evaluations.

“Smell” is a different category from “cleanliness” because while the two categories are often related, they don’t always have to be. Something like temperature or a lack of ventilation might mean the bathroom reeks, even if its facilities are clean. 

“Traffic” describes how vacant a bathroom is — how much difficulty someone will have securing a stall or urinal for themselves because of other occupants. We will note daily fluctuations in traffic in our evaluations.

“Location” describes an individual bathroom’s position within a building, not the accessibility or distance of the building itself, which we’ll give a brief overview of at the start of every entry going forward. 

Disclaimer: Before we begin this pilot article’s selection, it’s important to disclose some ethical boundaries. We will be avoiding private bathrooms used mainly by the residents of the floor/building and relatively inaccessible for those who do not live on the bathroom’s floor, such as Marsh House’s third and second-floor gender-neutral bathrooms. This does not mean, however, that we will avoid dorms as a whole — bathrooms like the ones in Morrow Hall’s basement or first floor are still on the table. 

First Entry: Valentine Dining Hall

We picked Val for our pilot article because it’s quite central on campus — it’s close to many lecture halls and, unlike Frost Library, you don’t need to climb any hills to get there (unless you’re coming from the Science Center). 

Now that the new Student Center & Dining Commons is underway, the future of our beloved (to some) dining hall is unclear. There are rumors that Val will be demolished after its replacement is built, although it’s unclear how accurate that is. Upcoming events like “Farewell to Valentine Dining” indicate that Val’s future is probably bleak at best.  

With that being said, we still have another year or two before we no longer have access to Val’s bathrooms. It’s a rite of passage at Amherst to have varied experiences with Val meals, and those experiences often come with various reactions. More specifically, bowel reactions. Even if you can’t relate, you’ve probably encountered the consequences of someone else’s unfortunate experience, which brings us to the conditions of Val’s first-floor bathrooms.

Women’s Bathroom: First Floor

Amenities: 2.5/5

Not too high on the scale, nor too low — we agree that the bathroom has enough amenities to be functional. There are two average stalls and one accessible stall, each with a hook on the door. The general environment is muted with grey and blue tiles. The bathroom itself is pretty small — it can get easily crowded, especially in peak times. Basic amenities include hand dryers, paper towels, and soap dispensers. However, like many bathrooms on campus, there are no free feminine hygiene products or other amenities that would characterize the bathroom as particularly special. 

Cleanliness: 1/5

It’s messier than it is clean. The trash is almost always full, if not overflowing. There is toilet paper on the ground, occasional poop stains on toilet seats, or inside the bowls. You should not trust putting any of your stuff down on the ground. 

Smell: 1/5

A stinky smell, combined with the stale air, produces a horrific/noxious chemical during peak hours. 

Traffic: 2/5

Based on the menu. Do not attempt during peak meal times. 

Location: 4/5

If you haven’t already scanned into Val, the location is pretty accessible.

Women’s Bathroom: Basement

Amenities: 3/5

Compared to the first-floor bathroom, the basement in Val has two spacious stalls with hooks. It has grey and red tiles. What’s nice about this bathroom is the strong water pressure in the sinks (proceed with caution: if you don’t turn the handle slowly enough, the water will spray on you). The water always runs hot — sometimes too hot — but is often a nice reprieve from the blasting Val AC. Besides these nice features, this bathroom does not provide free menstrual products. 

Cleanliness: 2.75/5 

About average — nothing remarkably pristine or special. Sometimes you’ll find the occasional toilet paper on the floor, but it’s definitely cleaner than the upstairs bathroom.

Smell: 3.75/5 

Nothing unpleasant. 

Traffic: 4/5

There’s generally nobody there. Staff also use the bathroom. 

Location: 3/5 

Pretty hidden — we don’t see how someone would deliberately use this bathroom compared to one closer by, especially outside of Val. It is a convenient location once you’re in Val since you don’t need to leave the dining area and have to swipe in again. 

Men’s Bathroom: First Floor

Amenities: 3/5

The only aspect that kept this bathroom from being a 2/5 was that it has the Koala baby changing station, which is a rare amenity for men’s bathrooms. Otherwise, it’s a bit lacking: tight spacing, two urinals, and one stall. Both the urinals and stalls use handles instead of buttons. It feels like one of the urinals is always broken. Please avoid the urinals if you have a backpack on; the spacing will make things really awkward, really fast, and your backpack might have to touch one of the walls. The stall is pretty big and has a coat hook, but the beige garbage can mounted on the wall usually overflows with used tissue paper.

Cleanliness: 2/5 

This bathroom is pretty dirty — the floor is usually damp (especially near the one working urinal), and it’s normal to see crumpled pieces of tissue paper rolling around on the ground. There are some bathrooms on campus where you feel as though you may need to clean your soles after stepping inside; this is one of them.

Smell: 0/5

Trust me. 

Traffic: 2/5

Usually fine, but try to avoid during peak hours. The worst hours are from 6:30 to 7:30 p.m. Go anywhere else but here if you have to defecate, especially if you’re a self-conscious pooper.

Location: 4/5 

This bathroom benefits from the fact that it’s right at Val’s main entrance — you can access it almost whenever. The lack of stairs and significant obstructions also means it’s pretty accessible and easy to leave in a hurry (supposing, for instance, that there is too much traffic and you really can’t wait for the person in front of you to wrap up). It’s not perfect, though; the corridor that leads into the bathroom is pretty tight. 

Men’s Bathroom: Basement

Amenities: 3/5

Right off the bat, this bathroom is much larger than its upper-floor counterpart. There are only two plumbing fixtures here: a urinal and a toilet. Both use handles. The urinal is tucked away in a dark corner, which might make some uncomfortable. The tissue paper for drying your hands is often missing, and the garbage can is usually clean. The right sink’s faucet has too little water pressure, while the left faucet is too strong (please do not turn the handle all the way unless you want water to splash everywhere). 

Cleanliness: 3/5 

The cleanliness of this bathroom isn’t bad. The floor is still a little too damp for comfort, but it is much better than the first-floor men’s bathroom. 

Smell: 4/5 

Honestly, there is nothing bad to say about this bathroom in terms of its smell. Usually, it neither smells good nor bad; however, poor ventilation means that odors will linger, especially after defecation. The lack of heavy traffic (relative to the first-floor men’s bathroom) means situations like these are rather uncommon. 

Traffic: 3/5

Again, it depends entirely on the traffic. While the number of students who use the bathroom will never equal that of the ones on the first floor, you will often run into Val workers who use the bathroom, which means that there will always be a consistent traffic flow. 

Location: 3/5

For those using the building for the first time, finding this bathroom is pretty difficult and intimidating, and you may need someone to lead you to it. This bathroom is only good if you’re already deep in Val, while those in Weiller Wing might find it easier to use the first-floor entrance instead. Using this bathroom during an emergency is somewhat of a gamble since it requires descending a flight of stairs; finding that both plumbing fixtures are being used will mean climbing back up the staircase. 

The Final Dump

Perhaps this is your first time hearing about a second bathroom in Val, or perhaps you’re a seasoned bathroom connoisseur like we are. Whichever the case, we hope that this rating has helped you pick your next bathroom. Here are the ratings averaged per floor: 

First floor total: 2.15/5

Basement total: 3.25/5

Although we recommend avoiding the first-floor bathrooms, we also recognize that there are few options available (unless you want to use one of the dorm restrooms upstairs), since accessing the basement restroom is comparatively difficult. For emergencies, however, one should avoid the first-floor bathrooms at all costs — the lack of ventilation will cause you too much embarrassment when your stink begins to linger. 

But given that Val might become just a memory in a few years, fearmongered by the generations of classes who’ve used it in the past, perhaps it’s worth using its bathrooms just to experience the 80 years of continence-related Amherst traditions at risk of disappearing.